Embracing Better Ways to Cope: A Gentle Guide for Tough Days

We've all been there - those days when getting out of bed feels like scaling the Three Sisters in flip-flops while carrying a backpack full of emotional bricks. As someone who still occasionally puts coffee in the cupboard and cereal in the fridge (and then stares blankly at both locations wondering if I've finally lost it), I wanted to share some thoughts on navigating those really difficult days.

Our "Misguided Coping Tools" Made Perfect Sense

Those coping mechanisms we sometimes beat ourselves up about weren't random choices – they were survival tools that got us through something difficult. These "misguided coping tools" weren't bad habits we consciously chose – they were strategies that actually worked at one point.

Maybe it was shutting down emotionally when conflict arose. Perhaps it was people-pleasing to avoid rejection. Whatever your go-to negative coping skills are, they served a purpose. That's not something to feel shame about – it's something to recognize with compassion before finding healthier alternatives.

Healing Isn't About Uprooting Everything

Here's where many of us get tripped up: we think healing means throwing away all our old coping mechanisms at once, then judge ourselves harshly when we slip back into old patterns.

But healing isn't about tossing out all our old ways of coping at once. It's about gradually adding healthier options to our emotional landscape. Healing isn't "getting rid" of the ways we cope. It's finding and adding healthier ways to cope so we rely less and less on coping in ways that aren't good for us.

A Gentle To-Do List for Bad Days

When everything feels overwhelming, consider this gentler approach:

• Start With Basics: Take a shower (pro tip: a shower chair can be a game-changer on really rough days), take any medications you need, clean just one small thing or space

• Connect With Something Growing: Tend to a plant or pet – even if it's just watering that surprisingly resilient spider plant that's somehow survived your occasional neglect (mine has forgiven me multiple times, bless its chlorophylled heart)

• Practice Brief Mindfulness: Be present with a sound or song that grounds you, a sensory feeling, or something you can see right now that brings a moment of peace

• Reach Out: Text someone safe – you don't need to explain your whole emotional state; sometimes just asking about their day helps pull you out of your own head

• Move Just a Little: Do one small thing to get your heart rate up – walking to your mailbox counts, as does having a 30-second dance party in your kitchen

• Do One Future-Self Favor: Complete one simple task that tomorrow-you will appreciate, like setting out clothes or filling up your water bottle before bed

Your Personal Crisis Plan

On days when you have more emotional bandwidth, consider creating a simple crisis plan identifying:

• Your personal triggers – what situations tend to send you into a spiral?

• Safe people you can reach out to

• Specific things that help when you're feeling overwhelmed

• Ways to keep yourself and your space safe

• Resources for additional support

Growing Your Coping Garden

Think of developing healthy coping skills as tending a garden, planting new seeds alongside the old growth. Each new skill is like adding a different type of plant that brings beauty and resilience to your emotional landscape. Some to consider:

• Grounding exercises that connect you to the present moment

• Creative outlets like drawing, writing, or making music

• Movement that brings joy, not dread (no one's suggesting you train for a marathon when you can barely train your thoughts to behave)

• Time in nature, even if it's just sitting by an open window

• Setting gentle boundaries to protect your energy

Progress, Not Perfection

Remember that building better coping skills isn't a linear process. There will be days when you default to old patterns, and that's not failure – it's being human. The goal isn't perfection; it's progress.

Just like the gardeners among us know that plants don't grow overnight, developing new emotional skills takes time and patience. Some days you'll feel like you're making huge strides, and other days might feel like you're sliding backward. That's not just normal – it's expected.

(And a side note to my regular clients who've been watching the saga unfold: yes, I'm still nursing that struggling office plant back to health. It's looking a bit sad at the moment, but I haven't given up on it. Perhaps that's why garden metaphors are occupying so much of my thinking lately!)

So be gentle with yourself as you add new coping tools to your collection. And remember that even on the toughest days, you're building on the resilience you've already demonstrated by making it this far. After all, that's pretty darn impressive, eh?

Note: If you're experiencing persistent feelings of hopelessness, please reach out to a mental health professional. You deserve support, and you don't have to navigate the darkest days alone.